Urgent Threat to Health and Safety on Campus

By: Emma Eskridge

Everyone knows the rules. After the three hour RA meeting on the first night, it’s a little disheartening if a scholar doesn’t. Irked students have even reported that their roommates have uttered the rules about walking on the crosswalk in their sleep. Despite the persistence of the culture of respect here at GSP, there is a group who surprisingly cannot uphold this tradition of safety: the campus’ squirrels. 

The squirrels have proven to be an unwavering nuisance in the community; they continually show that they have no respect for law and order. To begin, they do not adhere to the Rule of the Crosswalk. They strut across the street fearlessly and—quite frankly— have no respect for themselves. An accident would be quite tragic; but these animals have to be aware that one reaps what they sow. 

The squirrels’ behavior is not limited to scandalous jaywalking; they also are improperly clothed. To the administration’s dismay, they leap around campus with no shoes and no lanyard. Undoubtedly, a complete lack of clothing is an extreme violation of the dress code. “It’s just...shocking. The situation is simply out of hand,” scholar Maddie Soard commented. 

Another important GSP rule is being broken with the disregard designated areas. The squirrels sneakily tramp around campus at night, breaking both curfew and perimeter rules. There have been reports of illicit behavior in trees outside the permitted limits of campus. The squirrels also challenge the authority of the campus directors by walking in the grass. This can be considered one of the main tenets of GSP etiquette and it is incredulous that a group so regularly ignores it. RAs prove to be no match for these sly creatures; the problem seems to be growing exponentially worse. 

GSP staff is slow to comment on these concerns. With such an overwhelming population of these trouble-makers, immediate action is hard to take. Administration appears to simply be ignorant of the problem or too indecisive to make a definite decision. In the spirit of objectivity, we’ve reached out to the squirrel community but they will not comment—their only response is a menacing stare. For now, we urge scholars to walk with caution but not with fear of the blatant disrespect these squirrels display.